Learning to be content

Hello, this is Seung.  

I have received 19th chemo sessions so far.  My last one was on April 8th.  What happened since then?

  • My weight is at 183 pounds.  I lose about 4 pounds in the week that I get chemo.
  • My CEA (carcinoembryonic antigen) has been going up.  It went down to 73.7, but it is at 233. I am praying that it will go back down. 
  • My 17th (and 19th) chemo session were postponed due to low white blood cell count.
  • I got two haircuts.  
  • My brother and his wife visited.
  • My parents visited for O's first birthday.
  • I still have neuropathy. 
  • My family visited San Diego.
  • O is walking and even running! (Not talking yet, just random noises)


Since the new year, I have been trying to have my sons read the Bible more often.  C can read on his own, so he just finished Numbers.  A and O cannot read yet, so I read the Bible for them (when I feel good enough).  For A, we read shorter books (like 2 and 3 John).  Once we got through them, we started to read the letters written by Paul.  We read Ephesians, then came to Philippians.  At the end of Philippians, we read this portion:

I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:10-13). 

Can I be content in any and every circumstance?  Can I be content in my current circumstance, where the fact that I am sick with Stage IV cancer pops up in my head when I am enjoying life?  To be honest, it has been hard.  I read what Paul wrote, but I keep thinking that I would be a BETTER husband, father, pastor, and neighbor only if I was healthier.  Could I not do so much MORE if I am healthy?  Could I not help around the house MORE, raise our children BETTER, and take on MORE responsibility at church?  Yet, is more (of what I think it should look like) really better?  Just because I am healthier won't mean that I would actually help out more at home, my children would turn out well, or that my church would thrive.  It seems prideful to think that I would somehow make everything better by doing more.  So, I am learning.  I am learning that being sick doesn't automatically make me more holy or make me have a better perspective on life.  I am learning my limits.  I am learning to be content. 


Some gratitudes include:

  • Celebrating my wife's 36th birthday, she is my relentless, caring, and thoughtful wife :)
  • Celebrating C's 8th birthday 
  • Celebrating A's 5th birthday
  • Celebrating O's 1st birthday
  • Celebrating my 37th birthday
  • Friends who opened up their home and schedule for us
  • Friends who check on me from time to time
  • Friends who were former youth kids but now are my peers
  • Being able to serve in a limited capacity at church
  • My presbytery brothers
  • Community group at our church
  • Youth teachers at our church, they are the best, and I am biased because I am a youth pastor
  • Those who I don't know or haven't met, yet are praying for me and my family

Prayer Requests 

  1. Esther researched and found a different treatment called Hepatic Artery Infusion Therapy (You can find out more about HERE).  I will be receiving chemo through the HAI pump and systemic chemo. I am receiving surgery on May 21 for the HAI pump placement.  Please pray that I will receive it well and that the treatment will do its purpose.  This will be my first surgery, so please pray that I won't freak out or have a bad reaction to the anesthesia, but that I will be able to recover well.
  2. Esther and I are worried about my CEA number rising.  Please pray for chemo to work well and keep CEA decreasing, but also for our trust to be in God. 
  3. Strength and contentment for me and Esther in all circumstances
  4. Our sons to enjoy reading the Bible and come to confess their faith in Christ, and grow as men of God who love him, his Word, his Church, and neighbors 

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