Paradox of Hope

1.14.24

Hello Fam <3

It's been a minute since our last update. To be quite honest, the holidays took a major toll on all of us. The special days: Thanksgiving, Christmas, all of our birthdays, sent us into a downward spiral of emotions.  The special days that used to bring us so much joy, brought about fear and anxiety... fear that this would be our very last... the need to make the most out of these special days, but not having the bandwidth to do so.  On top of everything, recovering from illnesses and entertaining family pushed us over the edge and we need a little breather.  

But as the New Year approached, I found myself reflecting on what kind of year we had in 2023. Boy oh boy was it a doozy. We had really high highs and extremely low lows... We had our precious Ollie, started at CCPC, moved homes, received Seung's diagnosis, Cal started at public school, pulled Cal out of public school and Seung received 13 rounds of chemo. Initially, when I started the reflection process, I was overwhelmed with feelings of frustration quickly followed by guilt. It felt unfair to have had to gone through so many stressors in such a short amount of time when it felt like others experienced one or none at all. When for some, 2023 was a great year, filled with blessings upon blessings... we had struggle after struggle. Our kids experienced changes after changes, struggle after struggle and it broke my heart thinking of all that they had to endure this past year. My mama heart felt such grief and guilt over not having been able to protect them... 

But as I reflected some more, I was reminded of God's goodness. I honestly don't know how we got here. I feel like we were just shuffling along in the dark... at times just being pulled when we didn't have the strength to move. The dark days seemed endless and it seemed like we were given bad news at every turn... How in the world did we even get here... Ollie was 2 months old when we received Seung's diagnosis and now he is a gigantic 10.5 month old. Seung has now had 14 rounds of chemo and our Bigs have grown another year older. Seung's cancer numbers started as high as 15,000 and just this last round he is at 93.8! Just how?! There is no denying that even in the midst of the suckiness and the dark, depressing moments, God has and is sustaining us each and every day.  

We still have a ways to go and we wrestle daily with hope. We wrestle with the possibility that this might be our reality for a long time while holding onto the possibility that God will perform a miracle. The paradox of hoping for something that is not yet a reality, but not pining and wasting each precious day. To be present in what God as provided today, with our kids, with our worries and in all the micro and macro blessings God gives each day. It has truly been a struggle, but a struggle we hope that ends in sweet surrender to our Lord.

-E


Prayer Request/Update:

- We had an appt with someone on the surgery team and although Seung still does not qualify, we were given a clearer picture of what needs to happen for Seung to get surgery in the future. The next 6 months are crucial to whether Seung will qualify or not.  Please pray that Seung's body will continue to respond well to treatment, that God will use the doctors and the medicine to shrink the tumors in his liver so that they will be operable. 

- Cal started homeschooling again this past week and it has been an adjustment. Cal is loving being home and learning on his own time but we are still working out how we want each day to look. Please pray for Cal's continued love for learning and for Esther's energy levels.

- We are so thankful for your continued prayers.  They mean more than we could ever express. On the days that Seung feels well enough, we would love to hear how you're doing and how we can pray for you. 

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