Rude dose of reality

8/5/23

I always wrestle with if I am sharing too little or too much each time we post an update.  I wonder if sharing the emotions and the thoughts behind what is happening is helpful or if it distracts from the reality of what is happening inside Seung's body.  And honestly, it's still a very real struggle even now as I write this.  

Recently, we received a letter where someone shared that while reading our blog, they felt challenged to see God working in their circumstances.  That while they read our posts, they thought, "wow, Seung and Esther are able to see God's goodness and mercies, even in the midst of their struggles," and then concluded, "why then, can't I."  And I'm not exactly sure why, but it has been heavy on my heart since... Truth be told, there are many days when I'm not able to see God's goodness and mercies and it saddened me to think that we might be portraying ourselves as these people who are walking uprightly and are relying on the Lord at all times.  

It has been 2.5 months since Seung's diagnosis.  It feels like years have already passed... but it's only been 2.5 months. And yet, within these 2.5 months, I have felt broken, burdened, exhausted, and frustrated.  Up until a week ago, I have leaned into God's provisions and have been truly thankful for each day that we have with Seung (regardless of what it looks like).  But since getting the results of Seung's scans, I have found bitterness creeping in and invading my heart and my mind.  I find myself looking ahead and thinking, it's been less than 3 months and my strength is failing, my mental load is endless, and my heart is heavy-laden... how in the world am I going to endure months, (God-willing), YEARS of this? I find my heart groaning and complaining to the Lord, telling Him that this is infinitely more than I can bear.  The floodgates open and the contentment/gratitude I once felt are so far from my reach.  I wonder why God has allowed these things to happen to us... but especially to me.  It's so confusing and frustrating to feel 2 very polar opposite emotions so strongly at the same time.  I am so grateful that within these last 3 months, Seung has gotten 5 rounds of treatment. 5! Especially given the fact that it usually takes MONTHS to even receive the 1st round.  And yet, there is also so much anger and sadness that this now seems to be our life.

I think it boils down to correct theology.  Seung likes to say that correct theology is important and honestly, I had never really given it much thought :) I just thought that it was the pastor in him that knew something that I as a lay-person did not.  But as I have been wrestling with my emotions, I had to dig deep and reflect on why Seung's scans made me spiral out of control.  Seung's scans were good, great even! They are physical proof that God is working through all the prayers that are being prayed on our behalf.  But I was hoping for more.  I knew based on his initial scans and given the extensive nature of his cancer, it was going to be LONG journey.  But there was a huge part of me (even if I never expressed it out loud) that expected a miracle.  I expected the medicine, along with all the prayers, to move mountains and that we would receive supernatural news of healing... but to be confronted with the reality... it was a rude awakening.  Up until that point, I was grinding through the every day, hopeful.  But when reality sunk in, I just felt so...defeated.  Every day has been such a grind... It's not to say that every day was a dread or that every day was a struggle.  [We have some pretty good days :)] But every day of going through our life, without my best friend and partner actively participating in our day to day... has been hard. Parenting our lovely children without Seung's active involvement has been...hard.  I am barely, just BARELY keeping it all together and at times, it feels too overwhelming to even TRY to process my thoughts and my emotions. So instead, I bottled it all up and started getting angry with the Lord. How... HOW could a God who has promised that He would not test us beyond what we can bear, expect me to handle this? I clearly am struggling and at many times, failing.  So if what He stated is true but I am struggling, either God must be a liar... or I must be doing something wrong. That was the half-truth that I was operating under.  I was SO sure that that was something God promised through his Word. And I have to be honest. As I started writing this post, it started off a whole lot differently than how it is written now.  I wanted to write about how upset I was that God would go back on something He had promised, so I scoured the Bible trying to find a biblical citation. Spoiler alert. There were none. I had misread and misinterpreted scripture and it affected how I saw God. And if God isn't a promise-keeper, then... how can all the other characteristics of God be true... My entire operating system felt flawed and I felt so bitter that I had lived so much of my life believing in a God that no longer could be trusted... I wish I could say that once my theology was corrected, I no longer felt slighted or made me doubt God's goodness... but I CAN say that the burden has lessened... I am able to rest knowing that our God has been and continues to be trustworthy. He reveals Himself through His Word... and that, in and of itself, has been so very comforting. 

I'm not too sure how my raw emotions will be viewed... but I hope that as I share our struggles along this journey.. it doesn't become about me or Seung getting through it on our own.  I definitely am not strong or "holy" enough. I am not always thankful for every day... but I hope that as you walk alongside with us, that we (Seung and I) can be transparent and that God will shine through brightly and unrelenting in His love and mercy. 

Thank you for reading this extremely long and emotionally charged post. Sending you all our thanks and our love.

- E

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